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Limericks

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Or click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There you can find out about our upcoming live, real in-person shows - yes - in Philadelphia August 5 and at Tanglewood in western Massachusetts August 26. Also, if you have ever wanted a T-Pain-Bill Kurtis collab, follow us @waitwait on Twitter and @waitwaitnpr on Instagram. There you can see show news, amazing videos, dumb videos, all kinds of things.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

CHRISSY BARTHOLOMEW: Hi, this is Chrissy from Streamwood, Ill.

SAGAL: Oh, that's not far from here - right? - not far from Chicago. What do you do there in Streamwood?

BARTHOLOMEW: I'm a hospice chaplain.

SAGAL: Oh, my goodness.

BARTHOLOMEW: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Oh, my goodness. OK.

BARTHOLOMEW: Yeah, that usually elicits a reaction, yes.

SAGAL: Do you enjoy the work? Do you get a lot out of it?

BARTHOLOMEW: I love it. I was made to do this. Some days it's praying with patients and doing a serious thing like the rosary. And some days, it's milkshakes and music therapy.

SAGAL: That's pretty awesome.

BARTHOLOMEW: It is. I love it a lot.

SAGAL: The milkshakes sound better...

BARTHOLOMEW: (Laughter).

SAGAL: ...Of the two options, but sure.

BARTHOLOMEW: Well, if you are ever my hospice patient, I'll bring you a milkshake.

JOSH GONDELMAN: (Laughter) Is that a threat?

SAGAL: Oh, God.

AMY DICKINSON: Yeah.

GONDELMAN: (Laughter).

SAGAL: Well, Chrissy, it is a pleasure to have you. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you will be a winner. You ready to play?

BARTHOLOMEW: No, I'm nervous.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: This cannot be the most stressful situation you've ever been in.

BARTHOLOMEW: I would rather deal with somebody on their deathbed than the nerve-wrackingness (ph) of this.

(LAUGHTER)

BARTHOLOMEW: This is more nerve-wracking to me. This is less in my element, but I'm going to try.

SAGAL: All right. Let's give it a try. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: There are lots of green shells in the stash, he shows. When he sells them, he might get some flashy clothes. The market he gluts with his large cache of nuts. He stole thousands of pounds of...

BARTHOLOMEW: Pistachios?

SAGAL: Pistachios, Chrissy.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A man in California was arrested for stealing 42,000 pounds of pistachios. The theft shocked local authorities, who had assumed that the guy in the wiretap saying I got your pistachios for you was kind of using a code word. An employee of a hired trucking company made off with a tractor trailer's worth of the nuts. But his plan was foiled when every single one of them were the kind without a crack in the shell so you can't get them open.

DICKINSON: Oh, the worst.

SAGAL: I hate those. The cops just went down the line of truckers, arrested the guy with the bleeding fingernails.

(LAUGHTER)

GONDELMAN: You know what else is very valuable by weight and by volume is stolen guacamole. But you have to flip it really fast, obviously.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: The water, we're close to condemning. Can we clean it? We're hawing and hemming. It's not toxic waste, just needs help with its taste. We're suggesting a slice of fresh...

BARTHOLOMEW: Lemon?

SAGAL: Yes, very good.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Due to California's historic drought, Sacramento citizens found that their drinking water now looks and tastes vaguely like dirt. So officials are recommending everyone in the city just add a little lemon. According to the city, adding lemon to cold water neutralizes the taste and neutralizes this being our problem.

GONDELMAN: And also - yeah. I mean, and then if, like, there's smog in the air, blow some bubbles. It'll catch all the smog.

SAGAL: Yeah, exactly.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

BRIAN BABYLON: But why not just say, add a little scotch, add a little bourbon, add a little - you know? Why stop...

SAGAL: Yeah, use it as a mixer, right?

BABYLON: Yeah.

SAGAL: Yeah, there you go.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

SAGAL: All right. Here is your last limerick, Chrissy.

KURTIS: No, it's fine. Stick your hand in this low slot. When your fingers come out, they'll look so hot. This buffing machine leaves them polished and clean. Our manicure is done by a...

BARTHOLOMEW: Robot?

SAGAL: Yes.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: A robot.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: A robot can give you a manicure for less than 10 minutes in San Francisco. And all it costs is $8 and one finger, tops. The company's motto is no slip-ups, no slowdowns, no small talk. But what if you like small talk? You ask the robot how it's doing. And it says, oh, great. Hey, are these nails the hardest part of your exterior?

GONDELMAN: They're taking - this is, like, me. I'm like...

BABYLON: Right.

GONDELMAN: ...These robots are taking your DNA from your fingernails.

BABYLON: Yep.

DICKINSON: (Laughter).

SAGAL: There's really nothing worse than having your hand stuck in the robot manicure machine, and it says, do you have kids? Is one of them John Connor?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Chrissy do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Chrissy was alive with a perfect score.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

GONDELMAN: Nice.

DICKINSON: Oh, God.

SAGAL: Well done, Chrissy.

BARTHOLOMEW: Thank you.

SAGAL: Yeah.

DICKINSON: Bill made a hospice joke. That was crazy.

SAGAL: Yeah.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

BARTHOLOMEW: (Laughter).

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "FUNKY ROBOT")

RUFUS THOMAS: (Singing) Robot, funky robot. Robot, funky robot. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.