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Your toddler is whining for apple juice. Your big kid is asking for more screen time. Your boss is pinging you with a last-minute request. All of a sudden, your nervous system is on the fritz — and you're about to fly off the handle.
If you feel like you lose your temper with your family more often than you'd like, there's a way to slow down and reset, says licensed marriage and family therapist and mom of three Cassidy Freitas.
The trick is to find refuge in "the margins," or the small in-between spaces in your day, she argues in her new book published in June, Mom Needs A Moment.
"When I feel dysregulated [as a parent], so often what I'm desperate for is space. Just give me a moment," Freitas says. It's a sentiment she hears from her clients — many of whom are struggling moms.
Having that space is crucial, Freitas says. It allows parents to calibrate their emotions so they can show up better for themselves and their families. That's an especially hard feat for today's burned-out parents, who are putting more time into child care and work than they were two decades ago, according to the U.S. Surgeon General's 2024 advisory.
Freitas shares advice on how to cool down or get ahead of big emotions in three tough (but common) parenting scenarios.
The situation: You're stressed this morning. Your big kid is late for school, your little one needs his diaper changed and … where are the keys?
The fix: Place your hand on your chest as a reminder to reset — and take a deep breath.
In moments of high parental stress, Freitas will often put a hand to her chest. "That's always where that urgency and that dysregulation lives in me."
That hand-to-the-chest motion is a quick cue to herself — and to her kids — that it's time for mom to take a beat. She uses that small bit of space to take a few slow, intentional breaths with extended exhales. That practice helps reset her nervous system and keep her calm.
Then, once you've made it to the other side of that would-be mom-rage, try to gather data from that moment. "Anger can show up as a protector emotion when underneath we might feel overwhelmed or unheard," says Freitas.
So reflect on the true source of your anger. Are you worried about being judged by parents or teachers if you drop off your kid late? Getting to the root of the problem can help you make better choices in the future.
The situation: You really want to go to your work happy hour, but it's on the only night this week you could be there for your kid's bedtime. What should you do?
The fix: Give yourself the same advice you would give your best friend.
Freitas has a quick litmus test for this kind of situation. If your best friend came to you and shared the same concern, how would you respond?
Many parents struggle to make space for themselves within the demands of parenting, even when it's needed, says Freitas. So if you're feeling guilty about taking time away from your kids, question where that feeling is coming from rather than letting it rule your decision-making.
"Emotions are data messengers," she says. And guilt's job is to say, "Oh, we did something here that's not in alignment with our values." But is that true in this case?
Maybe making time for maintaining friendships is something you want to model for your kids. Maybe you'll be a better, more connected parent if you protect these opportunities for yourself. Give yourself the same grace you would provide that friend of yours, she says.
The situation: You're finally one task away from completing that to-do list, but your kids won't give you a minute of peace. So you fly off the handle — and immediately feel like the worst parent in the world.
The fix: Repair with your children by owning up to your mistakes.
Every parent will lose their cool at one point or another — and that's OK, says Freitas.
Kids also have big feelings they are learning to control, she says, and they are growing relationships that will need fixing at one point or another. So it's important for kids to see how their parents do that.
In an age-appropriate way, level with your child. Explain that mom's outburst had very little to do with their actions. Taking time and space to acknowledge a hard moment — and own up to your mistakes — can create a margin for connection and compassion with your child.
"Kids love that," says Freitas. "They want to see you as a human being. They want to know you." Knowing that mom makes mistakes — and then learns from them — can make it easier for them to do the same.
"Repair is the most powerful tool in our parenting belt," Freitas says.
More Life Kit on stress and parenthood
Stuck doing all the household chores? This practical guide can help. In four steps, experts Eve Rodsky and Jacqueline Misla explain how to fairly split domestic work with a partner or roommate. Don't forget to print out the handy zine!
Tips on coping with parental burnout. Parenting can keep you on your toes all day. But if you find it so physically and mentally draining you can't enjoy family time, it may be a sign of burnout. Here's what you can do about it.
How to transition back to work after family leave. Going back to work after having a baby can be overwhelming. You're juggling all the emotions of being a new parent while getting up to speed at your job.
This digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib. The visual editor is CJ Riculan. The illustration was inked and colored by Malaka Gharib.
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